Shaken & Unsettled

I've been back from Kenya for a little over a month and I can't seem to shake it. I can't seem to settle in again to my regular American life. I feel a little bit broken. I feel home sick. Home sick for Africa. And home sick for Jesus. I felt him there in Kibera in a way I haven't before. And something about coming back to my comfortable life makes me feel like I am betraying all the friends I met there. But being emotional about Africa now sometimes makes me feel like I'm bothering the friends I have here. So what do I do?

The little girl in the picture with me is Winnie. Winnie is two. She lives with a hundred other kids at an orphanage in Kenya called, "Nyumbani." Nyumbani means home in Swahili. All of the kids at this place have lost their parents to AIDS. And the kids themselves are also HIV positive. I only spent a few hours with Winnie on one afternoon, but I cannot get her out of my head. I'm still thinking about the way she wrinkled up her face when we asked her to smile for pictures. I'm still thinking about the feel of her sticky hand curled around my finger as we walked around the little playground together. And I'm thinking about how Winnie has no mother and I have no child and that seems like a waste.

I could do something about that. It's not impossible. But it's really inconvenient. I'd have to find a way to go back and live in Kenya for six months if I wanted to try to adopt her. I'd have to learn how to deal with the medical needs of a little girl with a life threatening virus. I'd have to prepare myself for the fear that friends and family would have about exposing their own children to Winnie. I'd have to be ready to loose her if the disease got out of control. And I'd have to figure out how to finance everything. So I will probably do nothing about Winnie. She's just not very convenient for my life. I wonder what says about me as a follower of Jesus?

I know my friends and family will say I shouldn't beat myself up. That I can only do what I can do. But the truth is that I could do something. And if Winnie was important enough to me, I would.